Oct 27, 2012

Top Tips on How to Be Miserable

1. Chemical Reactions
Vitamin D is called the sunshine vitamin for a good reason. Avoid it. Stay in bed late for two reasons. Number one you'll feel guilty and lazy and the feeling will last all day (Unless you run a marathon which won't be possible unless you're fond of romantic jaunts by candlelight). Number two -assuming you're not a vampire (which you very well could be) lack of sunlight and fresh air are GUARANTEED to make you feel absolutely awful. Pay attention, this is my best tip in the article (I put this up front because I know your body-clock is fucked and your attention span is non-existent. Please read the writing in bold font if you get lost.)

2. Cross-contamination
Viva Scriva
Break down the barriers of compartmentalisation in all areas of your life -in fact don't have other areas. Draw a pie chart representing your life as you know it. Divide the circle proportionately to represent time and investment spent in each of the following areas: work associated with career, family, friends, socialising, hobbies, spirituality, exercise, holidays, earning money, survival, plans to clone yourself etc.

Yours should look like a circle with one area "career" and no divides -i.e there are no pieces of pie.

3. Compartmentalize vs Mental Eyes. 
Stay on the computer all day. Look for work, or whatever -it's not important -misery can be achieved in a number of ways. The goal is to spend the entire day in an uncreative manner which will also earn no money or yield quantifiable results. To make this approach really work, make sure that you take no breaks (bring your crackers and left-overs to the desk). Work until it's dark (but this shouldn't be difficult -see point 1). Doze off to sleep with the computer on your lap.

4. Solitary Refinement
Try not to interact with anyone. If this approach is not working try make some cold calls to people that dislike you (preferably without reason); put yourself forward for roles that you are totally unsuited for (or wouldn't actually want if you really thought about it -just don't think.) -savour the injustice of it all.

5. Human Touch
Stay out of relationships unless they are with people who are depressed or think you are insane. Relationships with individuals who think they can cure your creativity are ideal however.

Sans Dosage
6. The Real Deal
Broke as the word suggests is not exactly a healthy or properly functioning state of being. You'll be happy to know that as a creative, this state is not too difficult to acquire.  Here is a neuro linguistic programming/affirmation you can work on: "I am a creative therefore it is in my nature to be broke. Amen". If you like you can also add "I deserve the worst" For best results open your arms wide each morning while saying this.

7. Mission Statement
Try to do as little of the actual creative work as possible. This is very important. If you have to work, try to work on projects that you're not interested in - "Any Dream will do" as the song goes.

Career 201
8. Fulfillment
Rely on others for creative fulfillment

9. Determination
Be general and vague in your plans and how you're going to achieve them. Stick to that plan.

10. Epic Fail
Never EVER take a holiday;Van Gogh cut his ear off for fuck sake what do you think this is? Play-school? The positions for part-time misery are closed but if you'd like to leave us your CV we'll put it on file...

Copyright ©2013 The ahr-tis-tik mind.
Material belonging to The ahr-tis-tik mind can be shared via appropriate links to this site.

Related posts:
Getting Up From a Fall
Ten Things I Wish I'd known about Acting
Be not Obsessed


  1. I know you think you're funny, but this is MY LIFE you're describing. When I used to work in an office, I watched The Office and didn't laugh at that, either.
    Reaghan Reilly

  2. Hi Reaghan, I am sorry if you felt offended. It is my intention to inspire rather than make fun of anyone. I too am an actress and have great respect for anyone working in a creative capacity.

    I hope this clears things up for you.
    All the best,

  3. So the intention of this blog is to inspire people who live "miserable lives"?

    I found this blog to be extremely sarcastic... So is sarcasm a good way to inspire people?! No... not in my opinion... I can see how people who suffer from depression or ever have could take offence to this article. Its like its saying, "Your and idiot if you live this way"... I once heard a Description of depression as being stuck in a deep hole without a ladder... Lets not kick any one who's already down hay?

    I know that this article has been put on with the best intentions... But I would prefer to read a "Top Tips To Be Happy" then this one any day...


  4. The ahr-tis-tik mindJune 22, 2013 at 5:52 PM

    Hi Craig,

    I am sorry if you didn't like the post. I did not mean it to be either offensive or sarcastic, rather my intention is to make people laugh. Remember that I too am a creative person and I have experienced nearly all of these emotions at some point.

    I don't think ANY creative (or other) person is an idiot and I also don't want them to be unhappy -I feel that many people believe that if they choose a creative career they must put up with unhappiness! Feck that!

    I will definitely take up the suggestion of writing an article about Tips on Being Happy however and hopefully you will read it!

    Thanks for the reply,

  5. I have to let you know Eimear that I found your writing very funny. Thanks for seeing the darker side of ours lives and presenting it appropriately as a comic work.
    I think that anyone that cant see the intended humour or who feels "kicked" by this creative writing may require professional counselling. Seriously. Professional counselling can be a truly life changing experience. If anyone reading this is truly depressed, seek help, you wont regret it. I know. I have been there.
    Thanks again for the giggles!

  6. Thank you for your kind comments!

    I guess the thing about depression and counselling is that unfortunately it can somehow be seen as a weakness or something to be embarrassed about even though most people or everyone suffers from depression of some kind at some stage in their life. I think it's a little like being embarrassed about a broken leg and continuing to walk on it!